Never did I think I’d write this. I’ve also read, rewritten, deleted so many parts of this post. Because I’m scared… I’m not sure why, but the stupid thoughts come in if I’m being too dramatic, is it really anyones business? Am I wrong for opening up for this? But for some reason I just feel like I should share…
But honestly, never did I ever think it’d be part of our story.
So I’ll just flat out say this, I mostly focus on the good on this blog, I do I think it’s important but life happens and I like to keep it completely real with you guys and let me tell you, life got fuckin’ real.
Let’s backtrack, The day we found out we were pregnant was the happiest day of our lives, I couldn’t believe it was real but after 30 tests and two solid lines I was like holy shit balls, this is actually happening. HOW!? Like how!? I mean I know how, but still HOW!?
Everything was going great, we told close friends and family, celebrated, talked about baby names, signed up for all the pregnancy apps (holy shit there’s a lot) started planning everything.
It was about 7 weeks, we were at my parents with our friends and as we were eating dinner I started severely cramping… Like sevvvverly cramping every 5 minutes and I just didn’t feel right. I won’t go into detail but I was having all the symptoms that I was miscarrying… Sure enough, it just went all downhill from there. But still, just in denial, confused and in disbelief. No this isn’t whats supposed to happen, no no no.
The next day we went in for an emergency ultrasound and he saw baby but didn’t know if I was for sure miscarrying or not. After blood tests came back it showed my levels dropping significantly and by that time I really had lost all pregnancy symptoms…
I won’t forget that week, ever. It honestly was so emotionally and physically painful… But not just for me, I can’t imagine being in Matts position. But man that week, I fell even more in love with my Husband. Is that weird to say? But I just did, I won’t get all gushy on you guys but I married a real gem.
But here I am now, just sort of feel lost with it all, I think the one word to describe how I felt is empty. The feeling of complete emptiness and broken.
What did I do? Why didn’t I do a cleanse, maybe I should have gone to the gym, maybe I should have a ‘real’ job where I shut down at 5 and don’t worry about work anymore. Did I stress too much? Did I start prenatal too late? Did I have too much caffeine? Did that beer do it before I knew I was pregnant? What did I do?
I know I know I know everyone says you did nothing wrong, I get that I didn’t but still I’d be lying if I said those thoughts don’t creep up.
So I said I wouldn’t share this when it first happened it felt like too much and too personal. But I tell everyone, share the shit. People need it, people need your voice. Now it feels ok to share it. So If you’re here because you miscarried and you’re here looking for tips and ways to work through it, I’m so sorry but I just don’t have that. Honestly the Lord has blessed me with making my life absolute chaos so I don’t have a second to sit and think about it. At night when I do I cover those thoughts with falling asleep to baggage by Jerry Springer (don’t judge me.) or I listen to a funny podcast. But i’m not sure if I’m dealing with it or if i’m just ignoring the feelings… I mean I’ve felt it but I think my way of coping with it right now is to just stay busy and to be around people that bring me so much joy and lift me up. Grateful for you peeps.
So I have no tips on how to get through this because I’m still going through it. The miscarriage has stopped but that emptiness is still there.
The reason why I decided to share this was because the more women I’ve had conversations with they shared how they felt so alone going through it, that they felt like they couldn’t talk about it or they felt others just thought it wasn’t a big deal. I call bull shit on that and it is something women should be able to share with other women. So here I am. If you’re going through this, send me an insta message here and lets chat.
You reading this, I love you, you’re my peeps and I’m thankful you’re here while we’re going through this journey. I shared on Instagram and in my private FB Group Empowered Babes Empowering Babes that we were going through some stuff and we had so many prayers and positive vibes sent to us. I really believe in that stuff so thank you.
We love you baby blueberry and I find so much peace knowing I get to hold that beautiful baby one day. God has a plan, I trust that.